The first Christmas without my mother
Christmas preparation didn’t leave much time for me to think about facing the first one without my mother. I have to admit, it was a little harder than I thought it would be, and, it hit me rather abruptly.
Things were fine until my father came over on Christmas Eve to eat chili and watch football games. He just wasn’t himself, and, he’s so hard to read sometimes, I had no real idea what was going on with him. It could have been a variety of things: he was tired, my in-laws were all here, it was the first time he’s been in our house since my mother’s funeral, he’s not fond of the NFL.
Or, most likely, nothing was wrong.
You see, one thing I was left with as a result of my mother’s illness is a hyper sensitivity to when someone isn’t “acting like themselves”. It comes from my own generalized anxiety as well as the fact that my mother never really said when she was having problems until things got really bad. So, therefore, I spent a great deal of time and energy studying her trying to figure out when things were going down hill for her, and, she needed medical attention.
The problem is that I still do it to other people who aren’t sick. It’s my own problem, really, so I get to determine what constitutes “not acting like yourself”, and, I either ask you a thousand questions, or, I silently stew about it and stare at you alot until I’m satisfied that you are OK.
Yes, I want to slap me, too, but, it’s just what I do.
Where was I?
Oh yes, my father. I’m thinking I should change the name of this site to “My Father”, but, I digress. Again.
Anyway, he just seemed “off”, and, had every right to be, but, that set me off somehow, and, I really had a hard time Christmas Eve. (Confidential to you who saw me at the store on the evening of the 24th: thank you for pretending like I wasn’t crying in the dairy aisle, you are very nice, but, I’m pretty sure I looked like hell.)
Christmas Day was much better, but, today he seemed odd again. I’m still trying to learn to quit feeling like I’m responsible for his happiness. I’d like to be able to visit him for short periods at his house, and, not feel guilty for leaving, which is pretty ironic in that he’s a Marine of few words, and, while I’m doing that, he’s probably thinking, “I wish she’d get going, already.”
I dunno, you’re probably thinking, “Just ask him how he feels.” If you are, then you didn’t read that last paragraph. He’s a Marine, I seriously doubt that we will be talking about “how he feels” anytime soon ever.
Yeah, OK, I’m ready to be done with this holiday thing and get back into a routine.
Tags: Bereavement, Christmas, sandwich-generationRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Bereavement, Holidays
10 opinions for The first Christmas without my mother
Laurie
Dec 26, 2006 at 8:08 pm
I’m thinking of you. I can only imagine how I’ll be when the time comes that I lose a parent. They’re only 65 and 62, but I know it will be way too soon whenever it is. And you’re not a loser. :)
~Laurie the piano teacher
Lynne
Dec 26, 2006 at 9:12 pm
Same here. The day was weird. I spent the entire day thinking of my dad, wondering how he was feeling, what he was doing and just feeling terribly sad for him. He did a lot of crying, I spent hours on the phone trying to make it not so bad.
Nancy
Dec 26, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Aww. I guess it wouldn’t do to just come out and say, “I miss Mom.” For me, at least, it would just start me a bawlin’. I’m thinking of you gals.
newscoma
Dec 27, 2006 at 6:47 am
We went through this in 1998 when my mother died. It was such a surreal time. My dad wasn’t very communicative, we were all immersed in our grief that it seemed like the entire planet had quit existing.
I empathize so much.
Thinking of you and your entire family.
SistaSmiff
Dec 27, 2006 at 9:24 am
It’s not fun and uncomfortable that first holiday time after a loss, but, really…y’all sound to me like you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing.
I hate to keep bringing up my mother and how she didn’t do or behave like your Dad did this week, but, I wish she would’ve let herself. I can’t help but think if she had’ve allowed herself to feel that and express it, we might’ve had Christmas with her this year. This was one of those years she chose not to celebrate Christmas because she is, after all, the only widow in America. She hasn’t “felt good” in a few months and has convinced herself that she’s falling apart. Ugh.
God bless all of you.
Mark
Dec 27, 2006 at 7:02 pm
Hmmm - First Things First. Thanks for stopping by my place and offering your help. It is appreciated.
Secondly - lol - you sound like one of “us.” Try to stop thinking so much! You think so much you think you might know what we think! lmao!!!
Soooo - “I’m still trying to learn to quit feeling like I’m responsible for his happiness.” ???
I feel like I have to ask: Why?
Elizabeth - you sound like a fixer or am I mistaken? In order to fix we need to figure out what’s broken. If it ain’t broken we’ll find a way to break it so we can fix it (sometimes in our minds only - like I see here).
I could go on and on but I have a feeling you really know the deal… keep up the good fight! But you might consider learning how to Let Go and Let God. It’s a whole lot easier.
Melissa
Dec 27, 2006 at 7:20 pm
I know all too well about this Marines and emotions. And yes, I’m the one who stares at you in our family till the other person says “what?”. I know.
You can’t be responsible for his happiness, but you want to make things easier on him. We understand. Just quit staring at him while doing it.
GenBetween » Kind of like an emotional breakthrough, only not.
Jan 2, 2007 at 7:28 pm
[…] So, you’ve figured out by now that I’m a worrier. […]
Dee
Jan 4, 2007 at 11:16 am
I am right there with you. We lost Mom in August, and the whole holiday thing was surreal to say the least. Even surrounded by family, Aunts, Uncles, cousins… I didn’t feel like I was really there at all, and was very relieved when it was all over. I woke up on the 26th feeling much better. Dad refused to stay over anyone’s house, and drove the hour to be home alone that night. Quite frankly, I don’t blame him. Now, where’s that routine you were referring to…..
GenBetween » Of bedspreads and beaches
Jan 26, 2007 at 10:55 pm
[…] Since the holidays, he has gotten back in his routine, and, is involved with school (he’s a teacher). His back is doing well, as far as I know. But, then again, if it wasn’t OK, I’m not sure I’d know about it until he was paralyzed or in the Emergency Room or something. So, we’re really just now figuring out how life is going to work without my mother, since the surgery and the holidays were different from the everyday schedule. The best part about establishing our routine since my mother died is that he’s able to come to my kids’ sports games. For the past few years, he hadn’t been able to do that because my mother couldn’t be left alone. He’s a big sports fan, and, the kids have enjoyed having him there. […]
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