Take care of yourself
I sure thought it was just me, but Carol at Mothering Mother and More touched on one of my peeves in this whole care giver thing: people who tell you to “take care of yourself”.
Now, please understand, I’m not ungrateful for the sentiment, but as she puts it so well:
Taking care of yourself takes time, energy, sometimes money, and resources.
These are commodities that most caregivers don’t have a lot of.
I think often, people don’t know what to say and this can be a “filler” statement. But, really? Most people do want to take care of themselves, and they know how to take care of themselves, but, in some situations, you can’t always do what needs to be done.
When my mother was sick, my reality was that I had to stay in the hospital with her at night, work my job during the day and take care of my family in the evenings. This often went on for 10-11 days at a time.
Now, my mother assumed that I could just sleep at the hospital and all would be well, but it wasn’t. There’s only so much sleeping you can do at the hospital on a couch thingy and whenever stuff happened to her, it was always at night, and she continually had to get up and go to the bathroom. This often went on for 10-11 days at a time. I lived out of my car like a vagabond.
I had to go to work because most of my benefit time was already used taking care of her, and I had to see and take care of my family, too. Didn’t leave much time for anything else, even if I wanted to do something else.
I got sick, I actually started to hallucinate one night while I was driving. Not pretty.
However, it’s not because I didn’t know how to take care of myself, or refused to take care of myself. I had no real choice at that time.
I very much appreciate my friends who were concerned about me, but a better way to approach a caregiver is to offer some specific help. For example, I could have used some of her friends to take a night in the hospital for me. Or, my family could have used a dinner, or someone could have brought my kids home from school.
It’s not that I couldn’t ask for help, we were OK, but taking the time to figure out what would really help a caregiver rather than statements that can sound like platitudes is very valuable and much appreciated.
Tags: Caregiver, Carol O'Dell, Mothering Mother and MoreRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Advice
4 opinions for Take care of yourself
Bluegrass Mama
Jul 19, 2008 at 11:22 am
You listed a number of helpful things that friends could have done. One thing caregivers should realize is that the friends may not realize exactly what needs doing and which of those tasks the caregiver would accept help with. This has shown me that if I’m ever in that position, I will try to be specific when friends make a general offer to help. Though having seen enough families in our church go through crises, I know that I would not have to ASK for meals!
ERNESTINE
Jul 21, 2008 at 8:30 am
All of this brings back memories of when I was with my mother her last days. Retired and grown children busy with their lives everyone thought I was fine. If this had gone on much longer I would have been in the bed next to my mother.
Now with a dear friend’s husband in the hospital near my home - I am in constant touch with her and I will know when I am to do something for her.
Carol D. O'Dell
Jul 21, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Thanks Elizabeth, for checking out my blog–and noticing this important topic. Like you said, “take care of yourself,” is like “hello, how are you?” It can just be a filler statement.
Caregiving can be a long journey and it takes deep resolve–and even personal sacrifice–but in the end, I really believe that it’s worth it. It taught me more about myself than I (sometimes) cared to see, but needed to.
~Carol O’Dell
Larisa
Jul 21, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I agree. Now that i am on the other side, I know what to offer and not to just say “if you need anything, call.”
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