Planning to leave home
My dad admitted to me today that he wont be able to handle my mother’s care at home once school starts in August (he’s a teacher). So, in the next few weeks, we will be making firm plans to move her to a residential hospice.
I’ve hoped that he would reach this conclusion soon, not because I want my mother to have to leave her home, but, I have got to be concerned how this is affecting him, too, since he is 74 years old. I can’t imagine how he feels having to make these plans, but, I can only help him as needed. Yeah, like he’s going to ask for any help, but, that’s for another post.
As hard as it may be for him to move her, I really can’t stand the idea of some acute event (there are things other than quietly slipping away that could occur) happening with her while he was there alone. As for my mother, she’s said all along that she is willing to do whatever is best for the situation, so, I hope my father finds some comfort in the fact that, while it will be sad, she won’t be resisting it.
I am feeling some sort of mixture between sadness and relief about the prospect. It will, however, mean that I will have 3 locations to care for parents and kids. She spent some time in a nursing home about a year and a half ago, and, though I realize it’s not “all about me”, it was very stressful for me to have learn to balance how much time I could realistically spend there, with the rest of my life that didn’t stop while she was away.
(This is the entry that refuses to be formatted. Just imagine proper spacing between paragraphs for right now)
9 opinions for Planning to leave home
Bald Man
Jun 22, 2006 at 5:35 pm
Elizabeth,
I understand that tension one generation removed. My parents, Baby Boomers, live near by grandparents. In the last two years my grandmother’s health has deteriorated, and the care-giving is taking it’s own toll on my grandfather. These situations, where one person’s best interests are almost pitted against the others, are so hard.
Melissa
Jun 22, 2006 at 10:48 pm
When we finally moved my grandfather to a nursing home, it was hard on my mom, because she was torn between that and home. It might not be ALL about you, but it is partly about you because you are the one who supports everyone.
No advice, but lots of empathy.
Kerri
Jun 22, 2006 at 11:47 pm
I know the decision is hard. My mother and sister took care of my dad at home for as long as possible, and sometimes longer than I think they should have. Bald Man and I would go to help when we could, but dad needed care for EVERYTHING, and being pregnant and having a two year old in tow wasn’t ideal for me (not that it was about me). He did spend his last 2 weeks in Hospice, and I think it gave everyone (esp. my mom and sister) a chance to say goodbye without worrying about every detail of his care (though they never really got out of that role). It’s a horrible decision to have to make. We just do the best and hope to do no harm.
Will be thinking of you and your family.
Kate
Jun 23, 2006 at 11:26 am
Are there any home hospice organisations in your area? They are associations of volunteers and professionals who support families and care for the dying in their own homes. This is the one that helped care for a friend of mine and I was on the care team.
http://www.thh.on.ca/
It might be an option that is good for all of you.
That said, my friend was at home for months and months and, when she made the decision to go to palliative care at the hospital, they were wonderful with her and us — who wanted to continue to be there for her.
The thing I remember that they did for her was to use their bath lift to give her a whirlpool bath — we couldn’t do that at her house. She loved it, she glowed. And, as if being away from her house and posessions freed her of them, she really could go.
Kerri
Jun 23, 2006 at 11:39 am
” And, as if being away from her house and posessions freed her of them, she really could go.”
Very insightful. Never thought about that with my dad, but it makes good sense.
cursingmama
Jun 23, 2006 at 1:36 pm
First - Having “known” you for quite a while I have to tell you my heart is just breaking for you & your family. I know that this kind of transition was coming all along and you’ve had more time than anyone would’ve possibly imagined in the beginning, but it still doesn’t begin to be enough time or any less difficult and painful
Now a crazy of course you know this stuff but….I know this is probobly a long shot on all fronts but does there happen to be somewhere your parents could move together (logistics of selling their house, reducing possessions etc…and the stress of that ignored for this brief moment) which might be easier and better for everyone in the long run? Maybe the Oil Well fund could help foot the bill?
Deanna
Jun 23, 2006 at 5:20 pm
My heart goes out to you, your dad, and the rest of your family. Every time that I have interacted with hospice, I have found them to be supportive and helpful. I hope that things are that way for you, too. My husband’s grandmother (soon to be 92 years old) has been living in a similar situation for over 2 years now, and it has been the best situation for everyone involved - I’m actually convinced that the dedicated 24 hour care and the knowledge that she wasn’t imposing on family for it has actually improved her own health.
You all will be in my prayers.
R*Belle
Jul 5, 2006 at 9:49 pm
I am sorry that you have to make such tough decisions. Everything seems so bittersweet. I thought about you today when I was in the ER with my grandmom, how all I had to do was sit there for one afternoon, that normally there are other people that do that and that it all falls on your shoulders. I had a little pity party for you.
GenBetween » Moving day
Jul 13, 2006 at 12:38 pm
[…] Much to our surpirse, my mother was moved to the hospice residence today. I say “surprise” because it was just a couple of days ago that she asked them to start the admission process knowing that it would take a couple of weeks to get a bed. Only a bed became available yesterday and they tooke her this morning. […]
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