Feeling relief when a parent dies
When a parent dies, there are all kinds of emotions. But, one that doesn’t always get a lot of press is “relief”.
There might be feelings of relief that the parent is no longer suffering. However, for some, a parent’s death might bring about a sense of emotional freedom, especially when the relationship with the parent was conflicted:
But, with this relief might come feelings of guilt:
“We think it’s unseemly to ‘profit’ from a parent’s death, as though it means we’re glad they’re dead,” Safer says. “But research shows that a majority of bereaved adults report significant improvements in their lives after they have grieved for their parents.”
I’m guessing there are a lot of people who feel this way, and, would never admit it because, unless you’ve lived through it, it’s hard to understand. But, people need to know that it’s normal for some people for a variety of reasons.
Tags: death-of-a-parent, sense of reliefRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Bereavement
4 opinions for Feeling relief when a parent dies
Pete
Mar 11, 2008 at 6:15 am
My mother lived with us for 2 1/2 years as she slipped further and further into dementia. We finally had to place her in a home in the fall of 1998.
She had been there about six months when she died, quietly and really without any warning. In fact, her mouth was open, like a baby bird, ready to take a pill that her nurse had in her hand.
When word reached me, I had two responses, simultaneous and of equal force: I burst into tears of sorrow while the words “I’m free! I’m free!” thundered in my head. Every time I think of her now, both of those responses come back to me.
jewelgirl
Mar 11, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I understand this, watching a parent or
anyone suffering a disease, where the
person in in the last stages of life is a
terrible and unbearable thing to watch.
The feeling of helplessness on your part
to help is extreme, and the person is no
longer the vibrant person you love. The
release from pain and discomfort seems
so much better, except that they are
gone forever and the pain is now in your
own heart missing them. You are so right
you can’t understand until it happens to
you. Hugs :)
ERNESTINE
Mar 17, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I truly understand. The last few weeks of my mothers life was almost unbearable. I could not leave her. I was totally exhausted and I can remember praying for God to have mercy on her.
After a tiring trip home to sleep one night my phone rang in the early morning and I was told she had passed away. I remember thanking God that this was over and she was at peace.
John
Mar 22, 2008 at 2:38 am
My mom had a stoke nearly 3 years ago that forced her into a home. My father had died nearly 20 years ago, so she was on her own.
I live across the country, and so the burden fell to my sisters. I visited every few months shortly after the stroke, but this tapered off as work and family life took over.
My wife, 3 year old and I visit every six months, and I called every day until she her dementia became so bad that it became so hard to carry on anything like a conversation that I just call every other day or so.
I’m always doing mental calculus re the guilt I feel about not being there, and wanting her to just let go.
I can never tell how much of this is about not wanting her to suffer (she’s not really all there, and is terribly unhappy having lost her independence), and how much it’s me just wanting to be free of having to think about her suffering.
Now she has been admitted to ICU with breathing and heart problems, and my wife is due to have a baby any day.
In the end… it bugs me that the longer this has gone on, the less I think about my mom, and the more I think about me, but I don’t know what else we can do for her anymore. Sorry for rambling, but in absence of knowing what I’m suppose to feel anymore… I thought it might help.
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