Eldercare and Family Disagreements
When a parent is ill, old family dynamics can resurface. Sibling disagreements, long dormant, may crop up when planning for mom or dad’s care.
According to this article in the Beacon News, one of the most difficult things, even more difficult than heath care planning, can be planning for the division of personal possessions after death:
During the next two decades, baby boomers will inherit almost $25 trillion from their aging parents, according to a recent industry study.
Interestingly, the study shows that the distribution of funds is not the most stressful part of dividing your parent’s estate. Instead, it is often the task of fulfilling parents’ last wishes in distributing personal possessions that causes the most conflict in families.
The article offers some suggestions for distributing personal possessions:
• Ask your children if certain items hold sentimental value you to them. You may think you are giving a child a treasured item when really it is another who has fond memories associated with the piece.
• Ask children to share ownership of certain larger items, such as vacation homes. If necessary, an attorney can help arrange shared ownership.
• Make the decision to return gift items to the children who purchased them.
• If there are a number of family heirlooms, siblings can agree to take turns making selections until all items are gone.
• Suggest that children “put their names on” any desired items and parents can arbitrate any disagreements while they are still alive.
One of the most important things you can do to avoid family stress is to put your wishes in writing. As in so many situations in life, documentation is key.
Other good advice, though sometimes easier said that done, according to the article, “Eldercare Choices Revive Sibling Fights“:
Gazelle advises siblings to stay focused on what their parents would want, and to remember that their relationships with siblings will endure long after their parents’ deaths.
“That is what is going to live on and that relationship is very important,” she said.
I have witnessed what situations like this can do to a family, and, as an only child, I have a hard time relating. My friend’s mother died nearly a year ago, and, there is still a bitter feud between the siblings. It’s not over a large estate or anything, it’s over a small amount of personal possessions, and, the care choices the primary caregiver made.
So much discord could have been alleviated by simple documentation, and, adults acting like adults and seeking the coping help they need.
Maybe this only child thing isn’t so bad, after all. Even if it means having to care for every afghan that has ever been a part of anyone’s family.
Tags: Advance-Care-Directive, Aging, Elderly, family-dynamics, Financial-Planning, Personal-Posessions, power-of-attorney, sandwich-generation, WillRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Financial
4 opinions for Eldercare and Family Disagreements
Linda Rogers
Jan 16, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Things could be worse. You could be an only child and have all the burden of elder care and decisionmaking.
Valerie
Jan 16, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Several years ago, my parents asked my two siblings and me to list which of their personal items we would like to receive. There were some caveats (eg, on how many of my father’s prized kaleidescopes could be listed) and we were each supposed to compose our lists alone.
We could not actually follow the instructions. After stalling for a year or two, we three, with our spouses, had a good discussion about “the project.” We were able to agree on several significant items for each of us, and then filled in the rest of our lists alone.
It was hard to do; it was the first time we’d had to come to grips with the issue of aging parents. But it also gave us a very good chance to talk about what items meant something to each of us.
Pete Sampson
Jan 17, 2007 at 10:03 am
The only child thing isn’t all bad–particularly if, like only-child me, you have a supportive spouse to pitch in with the hard work of caregiving.
From mid-1996 until the fall of 1998, we cared for my mother in our home, until she slipped so far into dementia that she required round-the-clock attention.
It was a lot of work, but no one ever criticized what we did.
About a year ago, working out of a home office, I was chief caregiver for my mother-in-law, folowing her hip replacement surgery. My wife and her two younger siblings had ample opportunity to lapse into the family roles they had played as kids. For the most part, however, everybody stayed out of that stuff. But I got a chance to see firsthand how nasty that stuff could get if people really wanted to play.
The paradox for siblings is contained in the expression “adult children.” They really, really have to act like adults to be successful in the caregiving they want to do because they’re somebody’s kids.
GetSheila
Jan 21, 2007 at 8:15 pm
When my aunt died (about 20 years ago), her daughter threw a hissy fit over Tupperware. She did not want her brother’s wife to have it. The ridiculous thing is she didn’t really need it herself. The real reason she wanted it was so that no one else would have her mother’s things, not even her brother.
I also have a friend who loaded up her car with her grandmother’s year’s supply of toilet paper and paper towels while the rest of the family argued over who would get the ceramic chochkees. She thought they were all nuts.
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