Away from home and the kids
I often worry that I’m harming my children in some way when I am deeply involved in my mother’s care, especially when it keeps me away from home and their routine. While I watched my mother do this with her parents, it was during my college and young adult years. She wasn’t quite as sandwiched as I am.
Though I am very fortunate to have a loving husband to maintain continuity for the children when I’m gone, I still worry. Worry. It’s the new black. It’s just what I do. What if the little one doesn’t understand why I’m gone? What if the older ones aren’t sleeping well because I’m gone? Can they feel my stress? Will it affect them in school? I could go on, but, you get the idea.
Though I think those days are behind us now since hospice is caring for her now, my mother has been hospitalized intermittently over the past few years. Since part of her problem is weakness and shortness of breath, I stay in the hospital with her at night. I have been there as many as nine nights in a row since, well, there’s no one else to do it, I am an only child with no extended family. I’m not letting my 73 year old father stay on a couch overnight and go to work the next day, either.
Anyway, though I am in the same town (I know many people are not), I am often away from home due to her care. I know these ideas won’t work for everyone, but, some things I have found helpful for the children during these times are:
- Establish as much of a routine as possible. I come home from work at my usual time, stay home through the dinner, homework and evening routine hours, and, go to the hospital around bedtime. They call me each morning on their way to school.
- Talk frequently to the kids to make sure they know why it’s necessary for you to be gone. Don’t assume that they remember from the last time or that they know the current situation.
- We make every effort for them to do their usual activities such as sports or playing with friends during these times. Not to minimize what’s going on with my mother, but, it’s all part of maintaining the routine.
- I take camera phone pictures of the hospital room and surroundings and mail them home so they can see the room set-up (and their decorations) and where I’m sleeping, etc. Yeah, well, anybody could do it with a webcam. I’m just special.
But, most of all, I just have to remember to breathe deeply and that children are resiliant. their capacity for understanding why you have to be away is tremendous.
Tags: away-from-home, Children, ill-parent
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